What Practical Things Should I Make Sure to Discuss or Document?
After years of walking with families through terminal illness, I've learned that the most important practical conversations aren't necessarily the ones you think you should have—they're the ones your parent most wants to share. The key is starting with their priorities rather than your checklist, because what feels urgent to you might not be what's keeping them awake at night.
That said, there are practical matters that can cause significant stress for families if left unaddressed. Through my work as a palliative care chaplain and the stories shared on "Dying To Tell You," I've identified the areas that most commonly create challenges when they're not discussed in advance.
Financial information often tops the list of practical concerns, but approach this sensitively. Your parent might be worried about leaving you with financial burdens, or they might have concerns about how assets will be distributed. Start with questions about their biggest financial worries rather than demanding account numbers. Ask, "What financial matters are you most concerned about?" or "How can we make sure your financial wishes are clear?" This opens the door for them to share what's most important to them.
Passwords and digital access have become increasingly crucial in our connected world. Many families discover after a death that they can't access important accounts, photos, or documents because they don't have login information. But again, approach this through your parent's lens: "Is there anything online that you'd want us to be able to access?" or "Are there digital photos or documents that are important to you?"
Family stories and memories often matter more to dying people than practical logistics. Your parent might be worried that family history will be lost or that important stories won't be passed down. Questions like "What family stories do you most want preserved?" or "What would you want your grandchildren to know about our family?" can lead to incredibly meaningful conversations that serve both emotional and practical purposes.
I've learned from many podcast guests that people nearing death often have specific wishes about how they want to be remembered. This isn't just about funeral planning—it's about legacy and meaning. Ask your parent, "How do you want people to remember you?" or "What would you want said about the life you've lived?" These conversations often reveal practical preferences about memorials, donations, or celebrations of life.
Medical preferences and advance directives are obviously important, but they're often easier to discuss if you frame them around comfort and dignity rather than specific medical scenarios. Instead of asking, "Do you want to be resuscitated?" try "What would comfort and dignity look like for you if you became very sick?" or “What does a quality life look like for you?” This allows your parent to express their values, which can then guide specific medical decisions.
Location preferences for final days often matter deeply to people but aren't always explicitly discussed. Some people have strong feelings about dying at home, while others prefer the security of hospital care. Some want to be in familiar surroundings, while others don't want their family to have difficult memories associated with their home. Ask your parent where they feel most comfortable and safe, and listen for clues about their preferences.
Personal belongings and meaningful items often carry emotional weight that goes far beyond their monetary value. Your parent might have specific wishes about who should receive certain items, or they might want to share the stories behind important possessions. Questions like "Are there things you'd want specific people to have?" or "What items hold special meaning for you?" can lead to both practical planning and beautiful storytelling.
Contact information for important people in your parent's life ensures that no one is forgotten when the time comes to share news or plan services. Ask your parent, "Who would you want to know about your condition?" or "Are there people you'd want us to contact?" This might include old friends, former colleagues, or distant relatives who've remained important to them.
Professional relationships and obligations might need attention, especially if your parent is still working or has ongoing commitments. They might be worried about letting people down or leaving projects unfinished. Ask about their concerns regarding work, volunteer commitments, or other responsibilities that might need closure.
Spiritual or religious preferences often become more important as people approach death, even for those who haven't been particularly religious throughout their lives. Your parent might have specific wishes about spiritual care, religious services, or philosophical approaches to death that they'd like honored.
The most important thing I've learned is that these practical conversations work best when they're ongoing rather than one-time events. Your parent might be ready to discuss financial matters today but not emotional legacy items. They might want to share family stories this week but aren't ready to talk about funeral preferences yet. Following their emotional availability and energy levels will make these conversations more productive and less overwhelming.
Remember that the goal isn't to check items off a list—it's to honor your parent's priorities and reduce stress for both of you. Some practical matters might never get fully addressed, and that's okay. The conversations you do have, guided by what matters most to your parent, will be the ones that truly serve your family's needs.
What I've witnessed repeatedly is that families who approach these practical discussions with curiosity about their parent's inner world, rather than anxiety about their own future responsibilities, often find these conversations become treasured memories rather than difficult tasks.
