How Do I Help My Children Understand and Spend Time with Their Dying Grandparent?
By Cody Hufstedler, Palliative Care Chaplain and Host of "Dying To Tell You"
Children often surprise us with their capacity to handle death naturally and directly, but only when we don't burden them with our own anxiety and fear. I've learned that kids frequently approach terminal illness with a curiosity and acceptance that can teach the adults around them profound lessons about living and dying.
The first thing to understand is that children are incredibly perceptive. They sense when something significant is happening in their family, even when adults try to protect them from difficult realities. The question isn't whether children will be affected by their grandparent's illness—it's whether they'll be supported through it or left to navigate their confusion and fear alone.
Age-appropriate honesty is crucial, but this doesn't mean sharing every medical detail or overwhelming them with adult concerns. For young children, simple explanations work best: "Grandpa is very sick, and his body isn't working the way it should. The doctors can't make him better, but we can still spend time with him and show him we love him." For older children and teenagers, you can provide more context while still focusing on what they need to know rather than everything you're worried about.
One of the most important things I've learned is that children often want to continue normal activities with their dying grandparent, and this instinct is usually healthy. They might want to play games, watch movies, or share stories just like they always have. This normalcy isn't denial—it's their way of maintaining connection and showing love. Don't discourage these interactions unless your parent is too unwell to enjoy them.
Children are also remarkably good at reading their grandparent's energy and adjusting their behavior accordingly. I've seen young kids intuitively know when their grandfather wants to play and when he needs quiet companionship. Trust their instincts about what feels right in the moment, and let them guide many of these interactions.
That said, prepare children for changes they might notice. If your parent looks different due to illness or treatment, explain this in advance: "Grandma might look thinner than usual because she hasn't been eating much, but she's still the same person who loves you." If medical equipment is present, explain its purpose simply: "That machine helps Grandpa breathe more easily so he can talk with you."
Children often express their feelings through behavior rather than words, especially when they're processing something as complex as death. They might become clingy, have trouble sleeping, or regress in some developmental areas. These responses are normal and usually temporary. What helps most is maintaining routines, providing extra comfort, and answering their questions honestly as they arise.
Many children want to do something meaningful for their dying grandparent, and these gestures can be profoundly healing for everyone involved. They might want to draw pictures, write letters, record videos, or create small gifts. Support these impulses—they're expressions of love and ways for children to feel useful during a situation where most adults feel helpless.
Don't be surprised if children ask very direct questions about death: "When will Grandpa die?" "Will it hurt?" "What happens after someone dies?" These questions aren't morbid—they're attempts to understand their world. Answer as honestly as you can while acknowledging what you don't know. It's okay to say, "I don't know exactly when, but probably not very long" or "I don't know what happens after we die, but I believe Grandpa won't be in pain anymore."
Some children want to be very involved in their grandparent's care, while others prefer to maintain more distance. Both responses are valid, and it's important not to force involvement or interpret distance as lack of caring. Some kids process grief by staying close, others by maintaining normalcy in other parts of their lives.
The presence of children often brings tremendous joy to dying people. Your parent might find energy for interactions with grandchildren that they don't have for adult conversations. Children represent the future, hope, and the continuation of family legacy. Don't underestimate how meaningful these relationships are to your parent, even when they're very ill.
If your parent dies while children are present or nearby, this can actually be a gift rather than a trauma. Children who witness peaceful deaths often develop healthier relationships with mortality than those who are shielded from it entirely. They see that death can be sad but not necessarily frightening, and that it's possible to die surrounded by love.
Overall, as your parent is approaching death, trust your child and trust yourself. As long as you allow the space for your child to freely express what they’re feeling and ask questions, they will do and say what needs to be done and said. Give simple answers to questions and let your child clarify, asking more questions as needed. If they want to know, they’ll ask. Be honest about what you know and what you don’t. And trust your knowledge of your child to guide you as to what is appropriate for them.
After death occurs, children need ongoing support to process their grief, but they also need permission to continue being children. They might be sad one moment and playing normally the next. This isn't callousness—it's the natural rhythm of childhood grief. Let them feel their emotions without judgment and continue engaging in age-appropriate activities.
Consider creating ongoing rituals that help children maintain connection with their grandparent's memory: looking at photo albums, visiting meaningful places, or continuing traditions your parent enjoyed. These activities help children understand that death ends a life but doesn't end love or the impact someone had on their family.
