What's the Best Way to Ask About Their Final Wishes Without Being Morbid?

By Cody Hufstedler, Palliative Care Chaplain and Host of "Dying To Tell You"

This is perhaps the question I hear most often from families, and I understand why it feels so delicate. We're culturally conditioned to view direct conversations about death as taboo or even harmful. But through my work as a palliative care chaplain and hosting "Dying To Tell You," I've discovered that the fear of being morbid often keeps us from having life-giving conversations.

The secret isn't avoiding the topic of death—it's approaching it through the lens of what matters most to your parent right now. Instead of leading with "What do you want when you die?" try starting with "What would make this time meaningful for you?" or "How can I best support you through this?" These questions acknowledge the reality of their situation while focusing on their current needs and values.

I've learned from countless patients that they're often relieved when someone finally asks about their priorities. Nancy, one of our early guests, taught me that people facing terminal illness spend a lot of mental energy wondering if anyone will honor what's truly important to them. When we create space for them to share these thoughts, we're offering a profound gift of dignity and control.

One approach that works beautifully is asking about their hopes and fears. "What are you hoping for in the time we have?" or "What worries you most about what's ahead?" These questions naturally lead to discussions about end-of-life preferences without feeling clinical or morbid. Your parent might share that they hope to see another grandchild's birthday, or they might express fear about being in pain. Both responses give you crucial information about their priorities.

Another gentle entry point is asking about their life's meaning and legacy. Questions like "What do you want people to remember about you?" or "What wisdom would you want to pass down?" often lead organically to conversations about final wishes. People nearing the end of life frequently want to talk about the impact they've had and the values they hope will outlive them.

Sometimes the most effective approach is the most direct, but framed with love: "I want to make sure I'm honoring what's important to you. Can we talk about your wishes for your care?" This acknowledges that you're asking because you care, not because you're fixated on death. It positions the conversation as an act of love rather than morbid curiosity.

I've also found that sharing your own commitment can open doors: "I want you to know that I'm going to make sure your wishes are respected. What would that look like to you?" This gives your parent permission to be specific about their preferences while reassuring them that you're asking from a place of devotion, not detachment.

Don't underestimate the power of asking about their fears around dying. "What scares you most about what's happening?" might seem like a heavy question, but it often leads to the most important conversations. Your parent might be afraid of pain, of being alone, of burdening the family, or of being forgotten. Once you know their specific fears, you can address them directly and discuss ways to honor their wishes.

Aaron, our very first podcast guest, showed me that people often have very clear preferences about their final days, but they're waiting for someone to ask. He had strong feelings about where he wanted to be, who he wanted around him, and how he wanted to be remembered. Many people do have such preferences, but they often won’t share unless they know someone is open to hearing. 

Sometimes, it’s important to listen to what they're not saying as much as what they are. If your parent talks about not wanting to be a burden, they might be expressing a wish for independence in their final days. If they mention missing friends who've passed away, they might be thinking about their own memorial or spiritual beliefs. These conversational threads often lead to deeper discussions about their final wishes.

Remember that these conversations might happen in pieces over time. Your parent might be ready to talk about their spiritual beliefs today but not their funeral preferences. They might want to discuss their fears this week but not their hopes for what comes after death. Allow the conversation to unfold naturally rather than trying to cover everything at once.

One of the most important things I've learned is that asking about final wishes isn't morbid—it's profoundly life-affirming. It says "your preferences matter, your dignity matters, and your voice will be heard." In my experience, families who have these conversations often find them to be among the most meaningful they've ever shared.