How Do I Balance My Own Life Responsibilities with Being Present for My Dying Parent?

This might be the most guilt-inducing question families face during terminal illness, and I want to start by saying something that might surprise you: your parent probably doesn't want you to sacrifice everything for them. In my years as a palliative care chaplain, I've seen how the pressure to be constantly present can actually rob families of the very connection they're trying to preserve.

The guests on "Dying To Tell You" have taught me that sustainable caregiving isn't just about preserving your own wellbeing—it's about honoring what your dying parent truly wants for you. Most parents facing the end of life are far more concerned about your future than their present comfort. They want to know that their death won't destroy your life, your relationships, or your ability to find joy again.

Deanna, one of our most beloved guests who moved to in-patient hospice care. One of the things that brought her the most peace was knowing that hospice allowed her family to simply "love on her" rather than manage her medical care. She understood that when her loved ones were exhausted from caregiving tasks, they had less emotional energy for the kind of presence that truly mattered to her.

The key is distinguishing between being present and being constantly available. Presence is about quality, not quantity. It's showing up fully when you're there, listening deeply, and creating space for meaningful connection. Constant availability, on the other hand, often leads to burnout, resentment, and the kind of scattered attention that doesn't serve anyone well.

Here's what I've learned about sustainable caregiving: you need to maintain the parts of your life that make you who you are. Your parent loves you as a complete person—someone with interests, relationships, responsibilities, and dreams. They don't want their illness to erase that person. When you continue to engage with your work, your friends, your hobbies, and your own family, you're preserving the self they love.

This doesn't mean being cavalier about their needs. It means being strategic about your energy and honest about your limitations. Maybe that looks like dedicating certain days or hours to being fully present with your parent, while protecting other times for your own responsibilities. Maybe it means coordinating with siblings or other family members so that everyone can contribute without anyone burning out.

I've seen families create schedules that honor both the dying person's need for companionship and the family's need for sustainability. Some rotate who handles medical appointments, others divide up daily check-ins, and still others designate specific people for different types of support—practical, emotional, or spiritual. The goal isn't to minimize your parent's care but to maximize everyone's ability to provide it over time.

One of the most profound shifts I've witnessed is when families stop seeing self-care as selfish and start seeing it as essential to their caregiving mission. When you maintain your physical health, emotional stability, and spiritual resources, you're actually better equipped to provide the kind of presence your parent needs. Exhausted, depleted caregivers often can't offer the emotional availability that matters most in final months.

Your parent is also watching how you handle this balance because they're thinking about your life after they're gone. They want to see that you'll be okay, that you have systems and relationships and activities that will sustain you through grief and beyond. When you demonstrate that you can care for them while also caring for yourself, you're giving them a precious gift of reassurance.

The practical reality is that terminal illness often stretches longer than anyone expects. The families who do best are those who plan for the long haul rather than trying to sprint through what might be a marathon. This means building in respite, accepting help from others, and being honest about what you can and can't do.

I've also noticed that many dying people want to continue feeling useful and connected to their loved ones' ongoing lives. They want to hear about your work challenges, your children's activities, your plans for the future. When you share these parts of your life, you're not burdening them with your concerns—you're including them in your world and affirming that life continues.

Remember that your parent's final gift to you might be learning to live fully even in the face of loss. They're watching to see if you can maintain hope, find moments of joy, and continue building a life worth living. When you model this balance, you're showing them that their influence will outlast their physical presence. Their gift to you can be a gift to them as well. 

The most important thing I can tell you is that perfect balance doesn't exist. Some days you'll be completely present with your parent, and other days you'll need to focus on your own responsibilities. Some days you’ll feel like an expert care giver, some days you’ll feel like you’ve let everyone down. This is normal. I believe that open, honest communication about caregiving responsibilities as well as feelings and emotions about caregiving will help you balance your life and caregiving responsibilities.